How freakin BS is this.... In a time and age where so many people are affected by such a distraught economy right now, our bright @ss (Can you sense my sarcasm??) president's priorities lie in this...

http://www.msnbc.com/news/934483.asp

It's things like this that made me so discouraged a year ago..

So it's kickin in... I'm a full time Googler now... how dope is that! I remember a while back when I was just getting out of college thinking to myself, "How cool would it be to work at Oracle (when I wanted to be a DBA) or Google..." Funny how things work out.

Las night I hit up yoga at PG again. I hadn't gone to yoga for about 3 weeks (maybe longer?) and I'm feeling it today. To top it off, I have a softball game tonight so I'll be really feeling it tomorrow. I've joined two softball leagues - one for work and one my sorority lil sis is on. Apparently, (I didn't realize this) it's hard to find girls that play softball, especially girls that are good. I guess I never thought about it. I guess I'm a commodity.. ha ha

Someone sent me an email today and at the bottom of it was this... life is so much easier when you simplify it...

Remember the five simple rules to be happy:

1. Free your heart from hatred.
2. Free your mind from worries.
3. Live simply.
4. Give more.
5. Expect less.

While yesterday was a day full of meetings and Orientation, today is much calmer. I can actually blog without feeling guilty at work. So this last weekend that passed was definitely memorable, both for my bf and I and for myself.

Let's start with Jorge and I. Friday, I met his parents for the first time, as well as some family that was visiting from Taiwan. After picking them up at SFO, I drove them back to Fremont, where his parents greeted us as we drove into their driveway. What a way to meet parents right? At least they were distracted from the actual act of it, since they were anxiously awaiting the family members from Taiwan. As we made it into the house, Jorge's mom starts flagging me down to look at a picture of Jorge as a baby. Awww, he was soooo cute! (not as chubby as I was though!) We all decided to grab some dinner nearby, where I sat and just absorbed it all. Sometimes I wish the whole world spoke the same language. (Then there's times I'm ecstatic I can say something in another language and have no one understand me but the person I'm speaking to. ha ha) Anyway, based on such a short visit, I now know where Jorge gets his gentle, caring nature. Sunday was our 1 month celebration, even though it was technically Monday (the 28th). After I lagged a ton getting ready for dinner, we were finally off to Tommy Toy's for dinner and can i just tell you how fantastic dinner was... I almost had to be carried out because I ate so much. They have something they call their "Signature Dinner Menu" that Jorge ordered for the both of us with foie gras added to it as an appetizer. Oh gawd! It was practically orgasmic! So by the time dinner was over, we were in a rush to head to the Orpheum Theatre to see Phantom of the Opera. It was Jorge's favorite broadway show and it was my first time seeing it. True love in the end does conquer all. I teared in the end, almost cried I should say. It was beautiful and I couldn't see myself with anyone else.

That brings me to why this weekend was so memorable for myself. For such a long time, I always thought I was going to grow old by myself. After failed relationships and trying so hard, I just gave up. I stopped looking for love and I accepted the fact that if I never fell in love with someone so deeply to marry him, then I wouldn't marry. I wouldn't settle for anything less than that. I even told my parents I didn't think they were going to have any grandchildren from me, because I really imagined being on my own. I loved having my friends and they were enough for me to be happy. I remember specifically in church one day. I prayed to God, telling him that whatever he planned for me, I was okay with. If he thought it was right for me, I'd trust his judgement and not question it. It was the same thing I prayed for when I was job hunting. I left my whole life up to him and stopped questioning my shortcomings. This weekend, I said something to Jorge I never imagined saying to someone. I imagined a life with him and growing old with him. (I'm getting emotional just writing this.) I let all traces of my wall down and I gave him everything I had. I have never ever felt so connected to someone ever. Everything I ever questioned or doubted in myself, I let go of, and he accepted me and loved me in return for everything I am. This is how it should be. This is my fairy tale happening in real time.

It seems as if I have so much to empty out of my head right now since it's been a crazy week... Let's start with last weekend. Saturday was a full day of softball for a charity tournament my old softball team recruited me for. Of all things, you'd think I'd go home to pass out but instead I drove over to Danville/San Ramon to meet up with Francey for a long awaited dinner with her. The Blackhawk Grill was soooo yummy! (Too bad I can't find a damn link to the Blackhawk Grill's menu!)

I started Sunday with going to church. I hadn't been enough lately, and was in need of some free therapy. A surprise to me was that Jorge wanted to see what Catholic church was like so he came along. Most people that know me know that I usually on go to church with family these days so taking him along with me was a pretty big thing to me. (Back in college, i went with my dorm buddies and friends.) It was definitely nice having him next to me, but we'll see. We then headed to De Anza College for his track meet. Can I just tell u?? My baby kicked some major @ss in all the events he was in. 5 events. 5 golds. Some of it was a team effort so you've got to imagine how fast they all were. I'm so proud of him!

So by this point, after two full days of being out in the scorching heat, I noticed I was pretty dark. My brother's gf was quick to point it out to me too, in her disturbingly odd bluntness. Can u say TACT? okay, tangent...sorry!

With the new work week starting, I knew I would be finding out if I was going full time with my Google contractor job. I was expecting the news to hit on Tues and to tell u the truth, I was pretty much paranoid. Just like anything else, I was freaking out that I had the possibility of losing something I grew really attached to. I like my team. I like my job. I love Google. I love the free food and t-shirts. ha ha I found out Monday afternoon from Eric that we all got hired full time. Good timing coz I was at Jorge's house veggin out. *cabbage patch* *dancing* *jumping up and down* *GIDDY TINE*

Jorge suggested a celebration dinner that night, but my mom was visiting so he was a sweetheart and invited her too. Mind you, this is the first time they were meeting, so Jorge went all out. Bouquets of flowers for the both of us (I got a balloon too!) as well as a night of Jorge being so polite and gentlemanly. (He's always like that but still, it's around my mom!) To backtrack, I'll explain my mom. She's pretty high maintenance. My dad pampers her and lets her get away with anything. She's the most impossible person in the world to please. I think at one point in her life she was hormonally imbalanced. OKay, maybe i'm a lil harsh, but you get my point. She's not one to be openly friendly to someone, especially if it's a guy that's supposedly "courting" me. By the end of a night of lots of conversation and a full tummy at Capellini's, we were driven home. A nice surprise at the end was that my mom invited him up but he said he needed to get home and that we should rest. My mom had nothing but nice and great things to say about Jorge. So, for an impossible woman to please, Jorge kicked some butt yet again. *mwah* +1,000,000 brownie points.

As for work, I start full time on Monday. We got our fulltime offer letters on Tues, on Dad and Tatay's bday. We have Orientation as a newbie and we'll be formally introduced to the company as new hires. I have to think of one interesting fact about myself. I have benefits. I'm an official Googler now. yipeeee! Hmmm...

One random thought... where in the world is my best friend Sisca... ha ha she's MIA

I was reading an old blog of mine earlier and noticed a question I asked myself about a year ago...though I never seemed to answer it...

Are you running from something or to something?

When I compare the time of when I originally asked myself this question to the present, I definitely think it's two very distinct ends of the spectrum. A year ago, I was running away from everything that had any importance to me. Don't ask me why. Maybe I was completely fed up of being the "responsible" one in my family. Maybe I just didn't want to care for once. Maybe I just had no clue where the hell I was going anymore. All I know was that i was neglecting everything of importance to me.

Currently, if you asked me this question, I'll tell you that I'm running to something, though I have idea where I'm running to. I think that's fair. I can admit to myself that for once, I have a clue as to what I'm running to, but the specifics are still being worked out. It's much better than a year ago, but not where I was coming out of college. I have a little bit of work to catch up on, though I am very content. Actually, I take that back...i'm ecstatic! Patience is definitely working for me, as slowly things are falling into place. It's just a matter of time.

....Supporting friends and family, a guy I'm completely in love with, a stable job I love coming to every day, finally happy with myself (ok, maybe besides the tummy and lack of exercise! ha ha), a therapeautical unconditional relationship with God, and to top it all off (disclaimer: this is my superficial side talking... ), I finally got around to ordering Season 4 of Sex in the City on DVD! ha ha okay, that last aspect is just my dorky side coming out...u know what i mean... happy day!

I forgot I wrote this in my journal while JC was on vacation...

~~
I've laid in my bed the past few nights
with thoughts of you in my mind...
Holding onto your voice
along with the last kiss you left behind.

I've worn you shirt the past few nights...
to pretend you were lying next to me.
Holding me close, engulfed in your warmth-
I close my eyes and it's your smile I see.

I've been wondering the past few nights..
where such strong feelings have come from.
It's only been a short time &
my heart and mind have been in a constant fight.

It's already been a few nights..
no need for anymore thinking.
Soon you'll be in my arms...
no need for anymore missing.
~~

"When one door of happiness closes, another opens; but often we look so long at the closed door that we do not see the one which has opened for us."

It seems like it's been a while since I've updated my blog - a whirlwind of emotions, happenings and discovery in the last few weeks.... err..,I should actually correct that... the last 12 days to be exact. The last time I wrote on this was 4th of july and woah, did we make our own fireworks!

I met him a little under a year ago, and I didn't think anything of it. I was shooting pool and my friends kept trying to sell me on going on a date with this guy - they told me about all these superficial accomplishments. (ie: CK Model, tv shows,etc) I'm thinking to myself...Whoopdefreakinwhoo...am I supposed to jump at it? Where's the damn substance? So standing right next to CK Model is another guy. The guys identified him as another available guy I should talk to - he's getting his MBA at Stanford, blah blah blah. So right off the bat, my blunt self says, Knowing me, I'd pick the brains over the looks ...*points at Stanford boy* I told my guy friend later on that I wasn't interested in either one, as I was just starting to date someone else.

It's a year later...and who would have thought... my instincts were correct from a year ago.. I found someone with the biggest heart in the whole world. I admire the crap out of him - the more I hang out with him, the more I realize how much I'm in love with him. People always tell me that your partner in life is supposed to be someone that grows with you...someone that complements you. (For as long as I can remember, I always thought I'd never find this person. I'd always be my independent, self driven self. I didn't need anyone to take care or me, nor push me to do anything. I looked to my close friends for that. ) For someone who thought she had a pretty big heart, I never thought I'd meet someone that thought the same way I did. I've never been so inspired to be a better person.

Reality Check It's been less than a month and I've realized that I've never felt this way ever in my life. A girl friend of mine the other night said I was glowing. What's going on?! This has NEVER happened this fast in my life and for once, I'm actually okay with it. I haven't ran the other direction. I haven't made myself really busy to avoid any kind of confrontation. I've told him a lot of things I've always been scared to tell a significant other, in fear that he'd look at me differently. For once, I'm not in full control of the relationship. Basically, I've left myself completely vulnerable to him. Another reality check WTF am I doing?

Part of me is deathly scared of what's to come... part of me is completely ecstatic - I always told myself I couldn't wait til this certain point in my life came. It all had to be perfect, and if it worked the way I always dreamt it to be, then I couldn't wait! It's slowly getting there, and all I can tell myself and JC is to slow down.

Happy 4th of July everyone!

http://howvideo.com/4/

"Love me at my ugliest and it's all uphill from there..." - I forgot about that quote I heard on tv one day until Sisca brought it up...

from an old Xanga post.... reposting it ? is that bad blog etiquette? ha ha

As mentioned in my entry yesterday...chivalry and romance...

The world seriously lacks chivalry and romance ... whatever happened to guys trying to "court" girls?? Maybe I'm just meeting guys that are so jaded they forget to romance a girl in the beginning...

Let's start from my upbringing... strict Catholic Filipino family...I was always reminded that a guy should always be very gentleman like with you...open doors, walk you to the car, greet your parents if he ever came over, stay in the living room so that we could talk there, sometimes make it to the family room to watch tv or the patio to get some sunshine... he always watched over you to make sure you were okay and knew how to make u smile...he knew how to make u forget that he was a guy only thinking of one thing...ha ha

I remember my first bf... I met him through my sorority big sis...I was on winter break at the time and working at the mall... he came by every day to visit me and sometimes even brought me something small... one time it was a rose..another time it was a care package...another day he brought me to lunch... it was all so cute... none of this let's hook up crap... our first date was to watch a movie and grab some dinner... in my young naive state at the time, the giddiness engulfed me... i still remember our first kiss- where i was, how i was feeling, how his cologne smelled - we took our time and before i knew it he was my bf...

So where is that all now?? I don't remember anyone even remotely going through that route... usually it's "hey, let's hang out on fri night..." ...the typical dinner and drinks and whether or not this guy was going to get lucky or not that night... BLAH what happened to conversation and getting to know each other?? what happened to first, second, and third dates...the whole "be ready at 7....i'll pick you up and i have a night planned for us..." it's all about the little things... the surprises...the warm fuzzies and butterflies in your tummy...the whole chase that leads up to the honeymoon phase if you two click...

chivalry and romance... it's what makes women weak in the knees... it's my hopeless romantic side coming out....oh gawd..ha ha am i the only one feeling this way?

i have two guy best friends and two girl best friends. This posting concerns my two guy best friends, as lately I'm finally catching up with the both of them a lot more.

Yesterday, I had dinner with one of them. Let's call him Texas Buddy for reference purposes. I hadn't seen Texas Buddy for 2 months and we had A LOT to catch up on- so we picked a place I had his bday dinner at 3 years ago. A sushi place in Sunnyvale where the mgr has the loudest most obnoxious voice in the world, though he so takes care of me! As I updated him with everything going on in my life, I got the usual "be careful" lecture. "slow down...take ur time...blah blah blah" I know for sure I'm not in a rush with anything in my life, though there's always that thought of seizing the moment. The more I analyze something in my life, the more I forget to live in the moment. He also updated me with his life. I knew he moved to the South Bay, but I never knew why or where exactly. He let me in on some news, with a really somber face. I automatically jumped the gun and thought I was going to be an auntie. I was wrong. Someone in his past is just back in his life and he's living with her and her son. They're roommates basically. I told him it reminded me of "Ross & Rachel" from Friends. The idea of him taking anyone home was nonexistent, and even if he did, what would he say? "Meet my roommate. Did i forget to mention she's my ex? No, I'm not the father of this boy, though sometimes I act like it." Talk about an ice breaker!

There's my 2nd best friend now. He's a little more complicated to explain. Let's see. He was my first boyfriend, my first love, my first everything. Let's call him Peanut. (inside joke) In one of the most hardest times of my life, he welcomed me with open arms and didn't judge. He was a friend, more than a boyfriend, at times. He got married about 5 or 6 years ago and his wife and I get along real well. I'm even his youngest daughter's godmother. Today, he found me online. He wants to talk- he needs to vent. I offered our usual JTown excursion. When I was laid off, we went there. When he was laid off, we went there. When I broke up with someone, we went there. We always head to JapanTown to basically walk around and do nothing but vent to each other. (We eat ,visit his favorite mag shop, and visit my fav notebook shop too!) You see, he was really happy go lucky all his life. So many times, he almost died, but he always made it through. Just recently, I thought I lost him when he had a stroke. He's only 29. When they did an MRI, they found 2 other holes in his head, meaning he had 2 other previous mild strokes. He may have not figured it out. He made it out of this stroke, half paralyzed and not walking. I cried so hard when his wife called me. I finally gathered enough courage on Easter Day to visit him in the hospital, as I could not bear to think that this once happy go lucky guy was laying there in a hospital bed. Today, he's getting there. He goes to rehab. He's found meaning and appreciation in lots of things he ignored in the past. He loves his family, more than anything. But I kind of know what he needs to vent to me about. I don't think he's happy with his marriage, even after all the caretaking his wife did for him after his stroke. JTown, here we come. AGAIN. I'm guessing here. I hope I'm wrong.

Missing Basketball Player

My sister and I were watching the news the other morning when she realized that a guy that was mentioned as being missing was her classmate from high school. She was freaking out because she used to play basketball with Pat and her high school best friend. They were all on the basketball teams, rooting each other on. No one's been arrested nor has my sister's friend been found. It's all so tragic because my sister had nothing but great things to say about him Hopefully it all works out. We'll have to say a prayer for him.

~~~

On a happier note, I came into work today only to find an email from my friend. There was a grin on my face, ear to ear, by the end of the email. To top it off, he called after lunch to say hi. I so didn't want to get off the phone, but work called and he was about to be stuck in food coma....which brings me to one of my random thoughts...

the little things...

Let's backtrack a little... I grew up in a very strict Catholic family. I attended Catholic school all of grammar school and all of high school. I came home before it was dark every day, and I was obedient to everything my parents ever told me (no matter how much I wanted to rebel). In short, I think I was very sheltered from reality. It was a naive innocence where I pretty much trusted everyone around me, because there was never any reason not to. I appreciated all the "little" things that friends did for me and I couldn't be any more content.

The minute I went to college, it was the biggest culture shock of my life. Literally, I grew up overnight. (Another story for another day) All the vices got thrown at me. I started staying out later than usual. I had to learn about everything on my own, without parents nagging at me about right and wrong. In a way, I lost my naive innocence about the world - both a good and bad thing. Before I knew it, I was leaving for Texas and moving back to California after a year. More learning. The next few years I worked in the dot com boom of California. I became this self centered, high maintence bitch that took everything and everyone for granted. No one could have bothered me, because I was invincible. I bought a house, I had my friends, and I partied hard all the time. Who cares if I was awake for 36 hours and totally unhealthy. So, when everything's great and you feel like you're flying high, where else can you go? The only way from there is down... I got laid off in 2002 and the telecom industry went straight down. No more rockstar life - I thought I was going to sell my house. I hid from my friends coz I didn't want to talk about being unemployed. I hid from my parents so that I didn't have to hear about my shortcomings from being unemployed. I hit complete rock bottom, both financially and emotionally. My "path" disappeared. My "vision" was gone and I was a complete mess. I shut a lot of people out of my life. I started smoking again, a lot.

Talk about chaos....
It's a year later, and with a ton of persistence and support from my friends and family, it's slowly falling back into place. No more substances. No more horrible vices. I picked up rock climbing and I found a job I really like. I have a group of friends that care for me as much as I care for them. I still have my house. Did I mention I love my house? I met someone that makes me giddy. We're just friends, and it's really new, but damn, I love getting to know him. I see my family a lot more these days. I have time to sit there and read or I actually get to sleep in now. I don't go out as often, unless it's to catch up with friends. I'm being healthier with what I eat. I'm writing more and I actually want to write in my journal. I got an email this morning that made me so happy I wanted to cry. I got a phone call this afternoon that's making me smile ear to ear. A kiss. His smile. Giddiness. I'm inspired.

I can go on and on about the little things that are driving me nuts right now. I'm floating. For once, I feel okay and happy. I'm not stressing about what I have to do or where I'm going. I just know it's going to be okay. I'm back to the naive innocence of everything. Gawd, I love the little things.